Uhuh-Ropean geneticist creates 'pig-headed ass'

Ropadam - When a colleague called him a 'pig-headed ass', Prof. Drs. Xavier Morreau of the University of Ropadam decided to prove that he didn't look like a pig-headed ass at all, and the geneticist mixed donkey DNA with that of a domestic pig. Even Morreau himself was quite surprised that it actually worked.

"Now the pig-headed ass really does exist," he said. "And I am glad to see that it doesn't look anything like me at all."

Giant penguin causes chaos during WC qualifications

Giant penguin near the Big Iron Tower of Uhm on the Isle of Uhm, photographed by a tourist

Isle of Uhm - A giant penguin (Aptenodytes Ridiculus Sizicus) caused a major chaos on the Isle of Uhm, but strangely enough, the penguin never came near the Unity Stadium, so all qualification matches for the 32nd World Cup could be played there without any trouble.

The giant penguin did cause a lot of damage to other buildings and the island's infrastructure however, and the government ordered the beast to be captured, if possible, and if that would fail, the penguin was to be killed by the army. This led to many protests all over Uhuh-Topia and Uhuh-Ropa, and also a majority of the Isle of Uhmers wanted to keep the penguin alive.

"Maybe the animal will just move away again when it gets bored. Or it could be just another tourist attraction," says passer-by Edwin Banks. "Just like the Big Iron Tower, the Unity Stadium, and the Space Centre. Besides, it's quite refreshing to see a different kind of penguin in the streets."

This last comment referred to the opening of a fourth Le Manchot Béton restaurant in the city last week, which uses a (concrete) penguin in its logo, and the logo also appears on the outfits of the national football team because the company is one of the main sponsors. "I think this is just nature's way to tell us that concrete penguins are, like, evil," says Buffy Winters, owner of a small restaurant in the same street and who has lost many customers due to the new restaurant next door.

"Nonsense," comments a spokeswoman of Le Manchot Béton. "Concrete penguins don't wreck buildings. It's the real penguins you should be afraid of. I think the government should just slay the beast. To protect the buildings on this island, and our company's image."

"So just because this amazing creature chose to live here, we should just kill it?" asks Owen Harkness, leader of the Animal Party. "May I remind this woman of Le Manchot that humans only settled here a few centuries ago, and that animals lived here first? It should be us who should move, and that's exactly what I will suggest to the government. Every inhabitant of Uhm should be forced to move back to the Uhuhland mainland, so this island will just belong to the giant penguins and the other animals."

While the Isle of Uhmers were debating the fate of the penguin Uhuh-Topian film maker Jack Peterson announced that he intends to make a film about the giant penguin. "Pengzilla, or maybe King Peng, I'm not sure about the title yet," Peterson said at a press conference.

Several houses on fire on the Isle of Uhm

A week later, after Ropa-Topia's 3-2 victory over Alasdair I Frosticus, many Ropa-Topians went out in the streets to celebrate. The celebrations ended in chaos when the cheering crowds scared the giant penguin, and the penguin ran toward a nearby lake through Zonnedael, a suburb of Uhm.

Many houses were destroyed by the penguin, and even more damaged; not only because the penguin didn't really try to avoid stepping on buildings as it ran, but also because ruptured gas pipes resulted in the biggest blaze on the Isle of Uhm in centuries. Thanks to the celebrations everyone was already out in the streets and no people were killed, but the damage is estimated around 15 million Topian Guilders or 79 million Uhuh-Ro.

After the Zonnedael blaze, TV viewers all over the country lost interest in the World Cup, especially after the Ariddian channel PINA broadcasted a report about the origins of the giant penguin.

It was discovered that there's an entire colony of giant penguins on a small island in the western Wafel Sea, where the nation of Chemical Engineers used to be. The extensive pollution in that area, which is all that remains of this nation, caused ordinary penguins to mutate into the behemoths that they are now.

Controversy and relief in NSWC

The decision of NSWC XXXII hosts Geisenfried and Milchama to re-draw the qualifying groups, because they needed more time to finish building stadiums or something, has led to both controversy and relief. Controversy, because apparently several nations were not pleased with this decision, after they ended up in a new group that they perceive as being more difficult.

Coach Klungelaer of the Ropa-Topian team seemed to be very happy about the redraw however. "After the initial draw, I considered withdrawing from the World Cup. We were in the same group as the Raging Penguins, and those guys just send shivers down my spine. I am glad we won't have to face them now."

Sponsor Le Manchot Béton was also relieved by the decision. "Our company mascot and logo is a penguin. A peaceful, concrete, penguin. Any non-peaceful penguin, like a raging one, damages the image of our company. [...] Another advantage of this new schedule is that there are more matches, which allows us to earn more money from advertising of course."

The new group resulted in the following schedule:

1. Friendlies - None announced yet
   
2. Bostopia (away)
3. The HURD (home: Unity Stadium, North Field)
4. Nomadasia (away)
5. Krytenia (away)
6. Commerce Heights (home: Unity Stadium, North Field)
7. Alasdair I Frosticus (home: Unity Stadium, South Field)
8. Elves Security Forces (away)
9. bye
10. Turori (home: Unity Stadium, North Field)
11. Friendlies - None announced yet
12. Bostopia (home: Unity Stadium, South Field
13. The HURD (away)
14. Nomadasia (home: Unity Stadium, South Field)
15. Krytenia (home: Unity Stadium, North Field)
16. Commerce Heights (away)
17. Alasdair I Frosticus (away)
18. Elves Security Forces (home: Unity Stadium, South Field)
19. bye
20. Turori (away)

As can be seen in the schedule, all home matches are played at the Unity Stadium on the Isle of Uhm, Ropa-Topia.

What can be said about Ropa-Topia's opponents? Not a lot for most of them. Some of them are ranked higher, others are ranked lower. Only two of them Ropa-Topia has met on the field before. They played against Turori during the qualification stages of the previous World Cup, and both matches were lost. Hopefully that will be different this time around. The only other familiar team was met in just one game, that resulted in neither a win or a loss: a 1-1 draw in the most recent Cup of Harmony, against Elves Security Forces.

Source: Sports Gazette